I’ve been slipping quite a bit lately, I don’t know if it was all me or what the hell happened (I completely overreacted to the most stupid scenario, but looking back I think that was me subconsciously letting out emotions I have been suppressing so long I could no longer keep them contained) but my engagement broke down and I am single again, probably for the last time this time. The pain has been incomprehensible because I actually cared for and loved the person that I lost. I made a mistake and there are some issues that I need to deal with, I need to love myself before I can love others and the outcome of this relationship really shows what can happen.
I don’t know what happened to me but since I lost my job in April I have been on a downhill slope that I could not shake and it was horrible for everyone around me. I tried to smile on the outside and suppress whatever I could so I was able to carry on and provide for my family. Stress and pressure were the highest it has ever been and it is the first time that I didn’t thrive from it.
I was a coward, and looking back it is as simple as that. The relationship was moving way too quickly for me and instead of voicing my concerns or communicating like I should have, I kept silent and let it build to the point that I shattered any bond we had. No one can take away what we had, it really was great and I believe I am one of the luckiest people to have had a friend like that and I will never forget it, I just wish it didn’t end and that we stuck to our agreement of never hooking up with each other. I do hope that she finds it in herself to forgive me, and she probably doesn’t even blame me for what happened but deep down I feel I don’t deserve it.
Our parting is almost entirely my fault. Things were very cramped compared with what we were both previously used to and we accelerated the relationship way too fast for me to keep up. I feel terrible about the financial things too, she put so much effort into this place that I will never be able to repay her for and she pulled me out of the darkest spaces I have ever had to visit. The truth in all this is that I am fucking terrified. I am worried about the pandemic, I am worried that I don’t have a job and that I can’t meet my obligations or support my family and it makes we feel worse than I have ever felt before in my life. I feel useless, almost hopeless and it makes me so tired and heavy that sometimes I am unable to get myself out of bed.
I have developed a lot of confidence in recent years and I now at points doubt it even though the results are always well above average. I have worked harder than I ever have for nearly 5 years, often studying and practising late into the night, perfecting one craft after the other 3 months at a time, working tenaciously to get to a level where I could produce equal or better results than the best of the best.
I think I may have a case of imposter syndrome, or a severe cognitive bias which leads me to believe that I am smarter and more capable than I really am. I question my every move, I plan, I strategize but recently it has all just been fog and I am unable to think clearly.
Time is running out and the clock is ticking. I don’t have an infinite supply of funds, or even enough to get by for much longer. What’s next? There doesn’t seem to be any promising job opportunities, and when there are I am up against so many other candidates that the odds of my resume even being read are about as likely as me winning the lottery. I have never been here before and I don’t know what happens next. I feel cold, lost, afraid and more alone than I have ever been and my problems are nothing in comparison with everyone else out in the world today that have it so much worse than me. I am lucky, I have a roof over my head and I have a beautiful daughter with clean water, power and food, why am I so unhappy?
This is the first of my journals, I have been battling depression for years now and have been doing so well. I was on top of it for so long and then suddenly I found myself deep down in the rabbit hole again. I’m sure others out there suffering can relate. To the people that read this, I hope that if you do that it helps you to dig yourself out of whatever hole you’re stuck in. To the partner I never deserved, I am so sorry for what happened and I wish there was something I could do and I am thankful that you’re not going to try to put yourself through this all again (she had already dealt with this kind of thing before) and I am not her responsibility.
I feel like an idiot and I don’t expect any sympathy, I need to get a lot of my chest and I am hoping that writing about it might make a difference.